It's the Principal of the Thing
by TwoDaysTooLate
Summary: Contrary to popular belief, I have not fallen into a bottomless pit.


**Hello everyone. Do not despair, I haven't forgotten about "Don't Enrage the Barista." There is one more chapter on the way, and I do have a plan for what's going to happen, but I really haven't had the time or enthusiasm to work on it. I kind of regret not leaving it as a one-shot, because I feel like it's going down in quality with every chapter, and I'm kind of tired all the time... but enough about that. Senior year has kind of tested the limits of my faith in my abilities, so it's time to return to what I'm good at: obsessing over fictional characters.**

 **To get me back in the writing spirit, I decided to flex my creative muscles and write a little drabble to get back in the swing of things. Enjoy!**

* * *

Anthony Weinbrenner was a simple man. All we wanted was a simple life for himself and his wife Eleanor. He didn't dream of great wealth or thrill seeking or anything that would make his blood pressure rise . But no one had ever mentioned that being principal of Lindburg High School would do that more than bungee jumping or sword swallowing. And the two teenagers who sat in front of him were the main culprits. In the six years since he had been promoted from guidance counselor to principal no one else had filled him with such anxiety and fear. Granted, he hadn't had to deal with the pair since their freshman year, but regular interactions individually had given him the idea that one day this catastrophe would happen.

He smiled awkwardly at the irritated expression of the blond girl's face, which made her features seem angular and gaunt. The boy sitting to her right gave him a confused once over before focusing his attention downward on his binder.

He broke the silence. "Good morning pupils. You're probably wondering why I called you to my office…"

He secretary stuck her head in the door. "Get to the point Anthony."

"I will thank you not to interrupt, Ms. McArthur. Now, as I'm sure you two are aware, you hold the highest GPAs in the school and-"

"Are you finally announcing valedictorian?" The boy's auburn head had shot up at the mention of GPA.

"That is the main subject of this meeting Mr. Neutron, but–"

"We greatly appreciate your telling us in person sir," the girl's expression changed to a hopeful smile, "I would like to apologize for my mother's constant badgering of the announcement, but we _are_ being notified a good two weeks after the other area schools."

Anthony let out a small sigh, "Yes, and with good reason, Miss Vortex: no other school in the county has two students with grades that rival yours, and we wanted to make sure we calculated every possible variable. But-"

"If we could just cut to the chase, sir," the boy's grin spread his entire face in a disturbingly creepy way, "so I can begin writing my speech as soon as possible."

"In your dreams, Neutron" the girl said under her breath, all the while maintaining her smile.

"Well, it is my pleasure to announce," the two leaned forward in their seats; "this year's valedictorian is… both."

Their faces fell. "What?"

"Both… of you." He tried desperately to maintain his excited demeanor. "The two of you have tied for highest GPA and therefore both of you will have the honor of being valedictorian, while Miss Naomi Nakazato will be the salutatorian." He grinned at them, hoping the news would eliminate bickering. It didn't.

The blond girl struggled to maintain her smile. "Principal Weinbrenner, I'm just a little confused. How can there be **two** valedictorians? The whole point of the award is to recognize the person with the highest grade point average. There's no way we have the exact same–"

"Well, you would be correct there Cindy, but the school board had to get a little creative this year." Actually, the school board was covering their butts. They knew that the two students would fight tooth and nail no matter who was given the title, and there was always the possibility of Mrs. Vortex threatening to sue. Again.

"Rather than just using your grades from the last four years, they've calculated your GPAs with all your grades from kindergarten until now. And you have identical scores of 4.99999 out of 4.0."

Cindy dropped all pretenses of courtesy. "And you're sure you've taken _everything_ into account?"

Anthony was going to need prescription-strength headache relief by the time this meeting was over. Or possibly a visit to the local bar. "Yes, Miss Vortex. Every grade down to the hundred thousandth decimal place."

"Well what about other things?" She started gesturing her hands toward the trophy case at the back of the room, "Like participation on sports teams?"

"Or academic awards?" Jimmy interjected.

" _A_ rtistic merits." Cindy turned to glare at him.

"Mechanical skills." He propped both hands on the arm of his chair so the two were almost nose-to-nose.

"Attendance record."

"I.Q."

"Lack of detentions."

"Oh that is low, Vortex!"

"Kids."

"Hey, you're the one who blew up the chem lab!"

"Kids."

"It was a minor explosion! And if you want to go that route, let's take our histories of violence into account."

"Kids!"

"Oh, you want to see violent? How about we settle this with a good ol' fashioned knife fight?"

" **Miss Vortex!** " Anthony finally got their attention.

Cindy let out an uncomfortable laugh, "I'm just kidding of course, Principal Weinbrenner. I would never partake in such an uncouth thing." The obviously fake smile plastered on her face said otherwise, but he ignored this.

"Look kids, I know this isn't exactly what you might have hoped for, but it's how things are going to be. You all should just be pleased that the honor was bestowed upon you and leave it at that."

They both muttered in agreement, but the looks of dissatisfaction on their faces showed that they were anything but pleased. He knew that winning meant very little to either of them if they couldn't beat the other. And it made his stomach turn.

Maybe once he retired, he would pick a less stressful job. Like brain surgeon.

* * *

After the two had been dismissed, they wandered into the hall to head back to class.

"Well _that_ was some BS." Cindy crossed her arms, scowling at the floor.

"I know," Jimmy walked in stride next to her, "Should have figured the school board was too chicken to actually make a decision."

"Stupid old cowards. Why don't we just let everyone be valedictorian? Maybe the dead frogs from biology have impeccable grades as well?"

"Or the janitor?"

"Or the moldy tuna sandwich in Sheen's locker." Cindy let out a huff. "What am I going to tell the Harvard admissions?"

"I'd be more worried what you're going to tell your mom."

She turned her head to reveal a calculating smile, "The same thing I always do: that you threatened the officials with a cheese ray."

He glared back with a fake laugh. "As if any weapon could possibly compare to _your_ winning personality."

"I hate you."

"Love you too, babe."


End file.
